Sunday, October 28, 2007
Can Anyone Hear me?
My heart is screaming out, "I CAN'T STAND THIS!!!!!" The waiting. The wondering. The emotion, at times, is too much to take. I need to scream out loud, yet my motherly instinct of wanting to protect my child from being afraid covers my mouth. This is too much for anyone to have to bear. Fear. I have never been so afraid. Again, as Tyson said, nothing has changed from what I know to be true in my last entries. I know God is with me. I know He is in control. I know He loves me.... yet my heart just aches beyond words. I just want to be on the other side of all of this looking back. I can no longer pray for myself without the help of others. Scripture and music are what brings me comfort. At times I look down and notice that my whole body is just trembling, and the lump in my stomach is growing bigger each day.I can't express enough how grateful I am for all of you who have sent emails, letters, etc. You are the hands and feet of Christ for us right now. That is how we can tangibly know that He is with us through all of this. I was with my whole family this weekend, except for Dan who I can't wait to hug one of these days, and there were small moments that I was able to forget that I was sick. Those were precious moments, but the hit was even more painful when I remembered the battle I am facing. Because I am feeling so healthy physically since my last surgery, my mind is still having a hard time believing all of this is happening. This isn't really happening! This can't be happening!!! This is not my life. My thoughts are jumbled, but I had to get them down. It brings me some kind of relief. Kind of. For a moment.
Cave Man Prayers
This is going to be a tough week. Understatement of the year, right? Yes, Leslie has surgery on Friday, but I'm talking about the "build-up" to Friday. I haven't been sleeping well. I wake up dozens of times a night, and immediately begin praying. In fact, it's almost seamless-- like I'm somehow praying in my sleep, and I momentarily gain consciousness to guide my thoughts a little. I pray for healing. I roll over and hug Leslie and kiss her cheek, then her forehead where the tumor is hiding. I pray for strength. For wisdom and skill for the doctors in surgery. For Leslie's strength and speedy recovery following the surgery. And then, it's an hour later-- I've apparently slipped back into sleep, and I start the process all over.And then, during the day, more of the same. Only instead of waking up from a shallow dream-laden sleep, I "wake up" from the task or distraction at hand. In the middle of typing a work email, I'll hit "send" and just stare out the window and begin praying again. Or I'll end a cell phone call and gaze out the windshield en route the next appointment, in silent, speechless prayer. ... my mind is scrolling right now, looking for that bible verse about how the Holy Spirit intercedes and interprets our prayers when we can't find the words-- when there are only unintelligible groans...I guess there hasn't really been a time like this in my life before, where all I can DO is to pray. When it comes to times of adversity, I'm a "doer" I guess. There's always something around I can do-- improve, fix, make better, progress to the next level. And now, I'm just sitting (or rather, kneeling) and waiting prayerfully. I know God is in control. I've never doubted that. (you've read my prior blog entries, and I still hold the same thoughts and feelings now as I did when I first typed those.) But it's nearly impossible for me to just sit and watch while Leslie heads into this surgery. I can't share her tumor with her. I can't take the weight of some of the pain-- any of the pain-- onto my own shoulders. Yes, I "share her fear", but not really. I'm afraid from my perspective, but it's not my head they're about to open up. All I can do is hold her and pray. And what I struggle with, now that there's nothing else I can do, is that I find myself retreating, emotionally, mentally. We have some very close friends that have come to call it "cave time". I retreat into my cave and stare at the TV and hope my mind just stops working for awhile.For now, this is how I plan on dealing with "surgery day" on Friday. I have all kinds of friends and family offering to "be there with me" during the surgery. And really, I just want to be alone. I don't want to "share the moment" with anyone, because it means I'm going to have to leave that quiet place of my own solitude. Give me my laptop, a WiFi connection, and a few pots of coffee. Sure, I'll spend a good deal of the time in silent prayer... but in my down-time... I need it to be... welll... DOWN-time.---15 minutes has elapsed since I typed that last sentence... Leslie just needed some "cry time". We've cried more in the past week than we have in the first 5+ years of our marriage, I think. I know I have, at least. And now my "tear wells" are about all dried up. She's still got plenty to share, though... and in those moments where she just needs my shoulder to cry on and my embrace to "hold her together"... I feel somewhat useful. Somehow closer to her-- almost that I'm taking some of that burden or even a part of her tumor from her, as painful as it is for me to feel her her wet face shaking in my neck. Now, she's back on the phone, and I'm back to praying... maybe I can sneak in some more "cave time" in a little while...-Tyson
Thursday, October 25, 2007
LORD, TAKE THIS CUP!
I keep going back to the thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane before He was crucified. Mark 14:34-36 (my own interpretation) And Jesus said to them, "My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death...He went away from them and fell to the ground and began to pray that if it were possible, the hour might pass Him by. And He was saying, "Abba! Father! All things are possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but Your will be done.I realize this morning that I am deeply grieving. Grieving the loss of my life as I know it. I have to say that I was completely content with life as it was. The greatest husband in the world, the most precious child in the world, a new home that I love, and feeling the healthiest I have ever been in my life emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and even physically. How could I be facing this?! I just want it to go away!!!!!!!! God can do that, you know. He can surprise the surgeons when they open me up with a completely clear head with nothing to remove. Unfortunately, I think He has other plans. (Although we still could pray that!) He has a different path for me to take. Right now I am not so happy about it. But, I will walk it nonetheless.Let me be clear. It isn't death that I am afraid of. It is a life of pain and fear that this cancer will continue to show its ugly head. Contrary to the world's belief that "God just wants us to be happy", God just wants us to be content and trust Him, in ALL situations. We are the ones who only want to be happy. Will we struggle? Yes. Will life bring hard times? No doubt. Will I ever be happy again?! Absolutely. Somehow. The most important things in my life aren't going anywhere. My husband, child, family, friends, and most importantly, my God, all remain. It is my trust in my own health and power that is leaving. The control freak that I am "knew" that I wasn't really in control of my own life, but that fact is sinking in loud and clear. Those who have walked this path ahead of me say that this brings greater joy and appreciation for life. Greater joy comes when you have experienced great pain...so "they" say..... I'll let you know.So, Lord, I would be forever grateful if You would take this cup from me. But if you won't, I will still be grateful for so many other things that You have already given me and for the things You still promise to give no matter what happens in this life.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
...and now... WHAT?!!
Sobering meeting with Dr. Zender today. We are still rejoicing with the knowledge that the cancer is contained and has not spread, as far as the doctors can tell, beyond the tumor in her sinuses/ forehead. However, today, we sat down with the doctor to discuss what exactly this surgery is going to entail. The basics are this:They're opening up her skull, from the top of her head. There will be much tissue removal, including some bone matter-- they won't know how much is required until they're in the O.R. Obviously, the Doctor says, their primary objective is to remove all of the harmful or affected matter. But right behind that objective is their commitment to leave her looking just like she does now-- which will most likely require some "reconstruction"... titanium plates, tissue grafting, and so-on. The surgery is expected to take 8-10 hours in all.The recovery will take most likely a full month before she's back to "form", being able to pick up TJ, get around on her own, drive, etc... The first week of that recovery will be spent in the hospital-- the first 2 days of which will be in the ICU, most likely, complete with breathing and feeding tubes....and then the follow-up therapy, which Dr. Zender encourages us not to dwell on right now. Basically, though, it will involve several weeks of radiation, starting a few weeks after her recovery. The radiation MAY require accompanying chemotherapy, depending on what they find in what they remove from her head in the OR. They just won't know exactly, until sometime after the 2nd.In a word... "ugh". We don't have much to share beyond the cold hard facts right now. We're kind of in "processing" mode. If I could summarize, it would be to say that we're wrestling with varying levels of fear. And we're trying to get used to the fact that this will indeed be a part of the rest our life together, with periodic follow-up meetings with the Loyola Cancer Center.Beyond that... all I can say is "stay tuned". Those are the facts. Our response to the facts emotionally, mentally, etc... are still discombobulated, I guess. Thanks for your continued prayers. We will be sharing more as we start to wrap our minds and hearts around this thing.Tyson
Surgery Date
I got a call from Dr. Zender again this morning. We have moved my date up to November 2. It will be first thing in the morning, 7:30. Again, we will find out more details tomorrow, but just wanted you to know about the change. He said he has a jammed schedule and this would work better for him as well as give us less time to deal with the anxiety of waiting.Please keep praying for anxiety levels as we anticipate this surgery and recovery. Pray for good health for all of us in the meantime.Pray for Dr. Zender and Dr. Prabhu (the neurosurgeon) as they prepare. I don't want a frazzled, tired surgeon messing with the inside of my head! Dr. Zender assures me every time he talks to me that we are at the right place, in the right hands, and doing the right thing. Thank God for modern medicine! Leslie
Monday, October 22, 2007
PEACE
Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. And the PEACE that surpasses all understanding shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."This is what I woke up to today. I spent time praying and thanking God for everything and everyone in my life. And I was so amazed at the peace that I felt. As I read this passage I thought, "That's it! That's the peace that I am feeling!!!! That peace that is beyond comprehension! That can only be coming from God!" Come to find out later that several of you were specifically praying this morning for that peace for me. THANK YOU!An hour later I received the phone call from my doctor with the great news. He said all kinds of things that made no sense, but I did understand the important stuff. No cancer anywhere else! Praise God! As Tyson mentioned, surgery is tentatively scheduled for November 9. This Friday was an option, but several appointments needed to come together before then to make it work. So, the doctor decided to move it to a couple weeks from now. Great, gives us more time to anticipate this nasty surgery. The doctor was talking about not wanting my brain to fall behind my nose, possible double vision, drains, and all kinds of things I didn't understand! It sounds way more complicated than I am ready for, but God can do complicated. I just need to trust and let Him do it. We are at the right hospital, that's for sure. We will find out more this Wednesday when we meet with the doc again.I have been so encouraged by so many of you. Thanks for you notes, dinners, treats, hugs, thoughts and prayers. We could not be getting through this without you!Leslie
Praising God
PRAISE GOD!!
Leslie just called me here at work. She just got off the phone with Dr. Zender (head and neck cancer specialist at Loyola). The cancer has NOT spread beyond the tumor in her forehead! Her brain is basically unaffected, at this point. Her eye is a little closer to the action than we care, but Dr. Zender is very confident there will be little or no long-term effect to her vision.
As Leslie has been feeling better over the past few days, we have been able to get back into "doing life" again, day-to-day, not having to focus on the phyical agony of the "post-op" moment. However, with this sanity and physical comfort came a whirlwind of emotions, fears, and thoughts, as we began dealing with this idea of "fighting cancer". Our biggest fear was surrounding these test results. What if the cancer has spread? What about her brain? Her lungs? Her eyes? Well, we fear no longer. When she called me with the news, I burst into tears of relief and joy. It's so difficult do deal with the emotions of such an unkown. So much easier when there's something concrete to prepare and pray for-- when there's something we can DO. Now we can stop asking all the "what-if's", and we can begin to focus on the next step-- her upcoming surgery. Here's what we know, as of this morning:
The tentative date is November 9. She will be in the hospital for at least 5 days, 2 of which will be spent in intensive care, most likely. Dr. Zender will be joined at the operating table by a neurosurgeon, who will be assisting with procedures concerning Leslie's brain, eye, and nerves, which all appear to be in contact with-- but have not been attacked by-- the tumor. They will have to go in through her forehead, and the surgery will involve much care and activity with the structures that support her brain and eye (thus, the "tag-team" effort, involving the neurosurgeon).
Sounds disgusting, perhaps... but we are overjoyed this morning with the good news, and the positive outlook among the doctors. We go in on Wednesday this week to consult with Dr. Zender to nail down the details, go over results, and tentatively plan any follow up therapy that Leslie might need.Thank you all for your prayers. We will continue to keep you all posted.
--Tyson
Leslie just called me here at work. She just got off the phone with Dr. Zender (head and neck cancer specialist at Loyola). The cancer has NOT spread beyond the tumor in her forehead! Her brain is basically unaffected, at this point. Her eye is a little closer to the action than we care, but Dr. Zender is very confident there will be little or no long-term effect to her vision.
As Leslie has been feeling better over the past few days, we have been able to get back into "doing life" again, day-to-day, not having to focus on the phyical agony of the "post-op" moment. However, with this sanity and physical comfort came a whirlwind of emotions, fears, and thoughts, as we began dealing with this idea of "fighting cancer". Our biggest fear was surrounding these test results. What if the cancer has spread? What about her brain? Her lungs? Her eyes? Well, we fear no longer. When she called me with the news, I burst into tears of relief and joy. It's so difficult do deal with the emotions of such an unkown. So much easier when there's something concrete to prepare and pray for-- when there's something we can DO. Now we can stop asking all the "what-if's", and we can begin to focus on the next step-- her upcoming surgery. Here's what we know, as of this morning:
The tentative date is November 9. She will be in the hospital for at least 5 days, 2 of which will be spent in intensive care, most likely. Dr. Zender will be joined at the operating table by a neurosurgeon, who will be assisting with procedures concerning Leslie's brain, eye, and nerves, which all appear to be in contact with-- but have not been attacked by-- the tumor. They will have to go in through her forehead, and the surgery will involve much care and activity with the structures that support her brain and eye (thus, the "tag-team" effort, involving the neurosurgeon).
Sounds disgusting, perhaps... but we are overjoyed this morning with the good news, and the positive outlook among the doctors. We go in on Wednesday this week to consult with Dr. Zender to nail down the details, go over results, and tentatively plan any follow up therapy that Leslie might need.Thank you all for your prayers. We will continue to keep you all posted.
--Tyson
Leslie - I made it
I made it.
I'm home. Thanks for all the prayers. "Open" MRI, yeah right. Thankfully, I am not as claustrophobic as my mother. I was able to pray, and breathe, and almost sleep by the end. The woman who did my CT Scans has been cancer free for 12 years. She looked like she was in her mid-30's. I was encouraged, but it also occurred to me that like her, I will be going back for more tests and check-ups for the rest of my life because of this. I just want this all to go away. But it won't. Sigh....... One step at a time. One day at a time. I've never been too good at that. I guess it's time to let that start sinking in. We will be calling Monday for test results. I'm not sure if they will have them yet or if they will tell us before Wednesday. But, Tyson and I decided that waiting until Wednesday is too long. He has done way too much waiting already. At least I was mentally out to lunch for most of the waiting for the last test. Now that my strength and mind are back, I can't stand the waiting either.Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you , surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Leslie
I'm home. Thanks for all the prayers. "Open" MRI, yeah right. Thankfully, I am not as claustrophobic as my mother. I was able to pray, and breathe, and almost sleep by the end. The woman who did my CT Scans has been cancer free for 12 years. She looked like she was in her mid-30's. I was encouraged, but it also occurred to me that like her, I will be going back for more tests and check-ups for the rest of my life because of this. I just want this all to go away. But it won't. Sigh....... One step at a time. One day at a time. I've never been too good at that. I guess it's time to let that start sinking in. We will be calling Monday for test results. I'm not sure if they will have them yet or if they will tell us before Wednesday. But, Tyson and I decided that waiting until Wednesday is too long. He has done way too much waiting already. At least I was mentally out to lunch for most of the waiting for the last test. Now that my strength and mind are back, I can't stand the waiting either.Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you , surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Leslie
Leslie In Scanning Booth
Leslie in the scanning booth today...
We've been blessed by the response and encouragement from all of you. Dozens of phone calls, cards, scores of emails... and 424 views on this blog, this week alone. Thank you all for your compassionate interest and encouragement.We continue to feel strong, but yesterday and today, a bit of anxiety is setting in, as you read in Leslie's last post. She left this morning a little after 7 for the Oak Brook branch of the Loyola radiology department. 2 CT scans and 2 MRI's today. Fortunately, this location has the "open" MRI, so Leslie's claustrophobia won't be challenged. But she'll be lying in several awkward positions on an uncomfortable table for the rest of the morning, so we're praying specifically for that this morning.Then we await test results. Most of our anxiety is buzzing around this notion that cancer spreads. It's what makes it... well... cancer. We know that the initial assessment is that it's not an aggressive form, but it needs to come out before it becomes more aggressive... but then we see how close this thing is to her eye, her brain... and how her sinuses are attached to her throat, which is attached to her lungs and... You can see how me might be wrestling a little bit, when we allow ourselves to stop and think about it. "...do not be anxious about anything" ... that is our prayer request for today. Even as I type this, I pause to read my absolute favorite passage in the Bible, Matthew 6:25-34, and am again encouraged. Easier for me to say, though... I'm not the one lying on the table right now.'25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'Pray that we can focus on "today's troubles". And pray that tomorrow's don't haunt us untill, well... tomorrow.Tyson
5:58 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
We've been blessed by the response and encouragement from all of you. Dozens of phone calls, cards, scores of emails... and 424 views on this blog, this week alone. Thank you all for your compassionate interest and encouragement.We continue to feel strong, but yesterday and today, a bit of anxiety is setting in, as you read in Leslie's last post. She left this morning a little after 7 for the Oak Brook branch of the Loyola radiology department. 2 CT scans and 2 MRI's today. Fortunately, this location has the "open" MRI, so Leslie's claustrophobia won't be challenged. But she'll be lying in several awkward positions on an uncomfortable table for the rest of the morning, so we're praying specifically for that this morning.Then we await test results. Most of our anxiety is buzzing around this notion that cancer spreads. It's what makes it... well... cancer. We know that the initial assessment is that it's not an aggressive form, but it needs to come out before it becomes more aggressive... but then we see how close this thing is to her eye, her brain... and how her sinuses are attached to her throat, which is attached to her lungs and... You can see how me might be wrestling a little bit, when we allow ourselves to stop and think about it. "...do not be anxious about anything" ... that is our prayer request for today. Even as I type this, I pause to read my absolute favorite passage in the Bible, Matthew 6:25-34, and am again encouraged. Easier for me to say, though... I'm not the one lying on the table right now.'25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'Pray that we can focus on "today's troubles". And pray that tomorrow's don't haunt us untill, well... tomorrow.Tyson
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Thursday, October 18, 2007
10/18/2007 Leslie Shares
October 18, 2007 - Thursday
Leslie’s 2nd attempt at this blogging thing....
Okay, so that wasn't so hard. Actually, that last one took longer than you might think. I am completely full of every emotion these days. I never know what is going to come out. One minute I am feeling strong and having dance parties with TJ in the living room, and the next I am crying or feeling a deep pit in the depth of my stomach. This will, no doubt, be a roller coaster ride. I am amazed at the amount of support by friends and family. Please continue to call and email. Today was my first day alone with TJ since before my surgery, and the quiet was a little unsettling. I guess I should enjoy the quiet before the next storm.The next storm... I got home from a long day at Loyola Hospital yesterday and needed to retreat to my room for some sleep. As soon as I closed the door, a feeling of panic, or something, just overwhelmed me. The last time I felt like this was when I was pregnant with TJ and I realized that he had to come out! I spent so much time thinking about it and even talking to others about it, but then I had that realization that froze me. This was my own journey. Of course I had family and friends to encourage me and God to give me strength. But, only I was the one who would be able to deliver that child! It was the same feeling yesterday. This is my journey. The one God knew about before I was even born. The one He is asking me to walk. Right now. I can't crawl under the covers and put it off until I am ready. He has made me ready, somehow. He has given me strength through all of you. But, I must walk it alone. No one can take the pokes for me. No one can do the mental battles for me. This journey is my own. (I'm thinking of a Sarah Groves song about this very thing.)I'm going to go back to listening to my Destiny's Child "I'm A Survivor" instead. No, I don't think she is a cancer survivor. : ) But that's the song that has been going over and over in my mind ever since the doctor said that dreaded "C" word. So now TJ and I crank it and dance to it whenever I need a boost.
11:08 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
Leslie’s first attempt at this blogging thing....
Holy cow. What just happened?!
Leslie’s 2nd attempt at this blogging thing....
Okay, so that wasn't so hard. Actually, that last one took longer than you might think. I am completely full of every emotion these days. I never know what is going to come out. One minute I am feeling strong and having dance parties with TJ in the living room, and the next I am crying or feeling a deep pit in the depth of my stomach. This will, no doubt, be a roller coaster ride. I am amazed at the amount of support by friends and family. Please continue to call and email. Today was my first day alone with TJ since before my surgery, and the quiet was a little unsettling. I guess I should enjoy the quiet before the next storm.The next storm... I got home from a long day at Loyola Hospital yesterday and needed to retreat to my room for some sleep. As soon as I closed the door, a feeling of panic, or something, just overwhelmed me. The last time I felt like this was when I was pregnant with TJ and I realized that he had to come out! I spent so much time thinking about it and even talking to others about it, but then I had that realization that froze me. This was my own journey. Of course I had family and friends to encourage me and God to give me strength. But, only I was the one who would be able to deliver that child! It was the same feeling yesterday. This is my journey. The one God knew about before I was even born. The one He is asking me to walk. Right now. I can't crawl under the covers and put it off until I am ready. He has made me ready, somehow. He has given me strength through all of you. But, I must walk it alone. No one can take the pokes for me. No one can do the mental battles for me. This journey is my own. (I'm thinking of a Sarah Groves song about this very thing.)I'm going to go back to listening to my Destiny's Child "I'm A Survivor" instead. No, I don't think she is a cancer survivor. : ) But that's the song that has been going over and over in my mind ever since the doctor said that dreaded "C" word. So now TJ and I crank it and dance to it whenever I need a boost.
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Leslie’s first attempt at this blogging thing....
Holy cow. What just happened?!
10/17/2007 Cancer Center at Loyola
October 17, 2007 - Wednesday
Medical upate: 10/17/07
We spent a good deal of the day today in the Cancer Center at Loyola. It's getting late, so I'll keep it brief and stick to the details...We met with our next doctor today. He is a surgeon specializing in cancer cases involving the head and neck. He went over Leslie's case with us-- didn't really tell us anything we hadn't heard already, but went into further detail. His name is Dr. Zender-- for the purposes of your ongoing prayers. :)After we did the consultation, Leslie had some additional X-rays and blood work done, and then we scheduled MRI and CT scans for this coming Friday. Dr. Zender will go over the details with his "tumor panel"-- a group of doctors at Loyola including an oncologist, surgeons, a radiologist, etc... which meets weekly to discuss each individual cancer case they come across. By Wednesday of next week, they should have our game-plan. We'll know what surgical procedure they've elected, whether radiation will be employed, and so-on. Hopefully, they'll have more details at that point as to what exactly this specific tumor is.There are the "facts" as we know them. We will update, moving forward, on this blog, as we get more info. If you care to know more about "how we're doing", read on... And thanks for reading.
Medical upate: 10/17/07
We spent a good deal of the day today in the Cancer Center at Loyola. It's getting late, so I'll keep it brief and stick to the details...We met with our next doctor today. He is a surgeon specializing in cancer cases involving the head and neck. He went over Leslie's case with us-- didn't really tell us anything we hadn't heard already, but went into further detail. His name is Dr. Zender-- for the purposes of your ongoing prayers. :)After we did the consultation, Leslie had some additional X-rays and blood work done, and then we scheduled MRI and CT scans for this coming Friday. Dr. Zender will go over the details with his "tumor panel"-- a group of doctors at Loyola including an oncologist, surgeons, a radiologist, etc... which meets weekly to discuss each individual cancer case they come across. By Wednesday of next week, they should have our game-plan. We'll know what surgical procedure they've elected, whether radiation will be employed, and so-on. Hopefully, they'll have more details at that point as to what exactly this specific tumor is.There are the "facts" as we know them. We will update, moving forward, on this blog, as we get more info. If you care to know more about "how we're doing", read on... And thanks for reading.
10/16/2007 Rainbows and Glory
Excerpts from a letter to a friend... 10/16/07
[This is part of a letter I sent to an old friend and mentor from back in Indy last night, in answer to the question I've been getting, "How are you doing?". The entries that follow below are copies of the update letters that have been going out, to date-- in case anybody needs "catching up".]---------------Both Leslie and I are rather in awe of this strange sense of peace and intense readiness, which we are both experiencing in the midst of what everyone seems to be deeming a "crisis". Are we scared? Of course! This is cancer, after all. Are we emotional? With every breath which comes out of me, I'm not sure whether I will scream or cry or laugh. But we are confident. For we know that all things work together for good for those who trust the Lord. Does that mean He will spare Leslie's life? Indeed! He already has! And mine as well! But we are confident that He is using us in this for His Glory and His Kingdom. We somehow feel that He has been in many ways preparing us for this very moment for the past several years. And after all those blessings and celebrations and vacations and lazy Sundays (for which and in which we gave Him the praise and glory), in our weakness, He is now made strong.I was driving through the Wisconsin hillside this afternoon to meet with a high-profile corporate customer. The "higher-ups" had basically called us in, so I weighed the situation and found it necessary to be there in person, even in consideration of the situation at home. (Her mother and sister are at our house tonight, so I wouldn't be leaving her alone. I took nearly all of last week off, and I figured this was a good opportunity to start to get "back into the saddle"...) I drove to the meeting through several miles of what was apparently near-tornadic weather-- hail, wind, thunder-- and then... the rainbow. Beautiful bold rainbow, with all colors blazing. I thought of how, as a child, I would color with my red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet crayons-- staying in the lines, of course. But this rainbow, as brilliant as it was, had no division between colors. I couldn't tell where red became orange, became yellow, and so-on-- all the way to violet. Yet there it was-- in its arced entirety-- straddling the road to the big-whig client. I've never seen colors like that-- all draped against a blackened gray sky.I thought of Noah and the ark. God's promise in the rainbow. Could it be? What was He promising here? I thought of Irish folklore and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As I drove eastward, and as the sun ranged lower in the clearing sky behind me, I saw the end of the southerly end of the rainbow, apparently settling into a recently cut hayfield to my right. I briefly considered pulling over, and drenching my necktie and the rest of me in the hail and rain to see what God would have for me at the end of that rainbow. My "schooling" took over, and I reasoned that no matter how far I would run, I would never reach the end of that rainbow. Refraction. Prism effect. Point of perspective... But before I could do much more reasoning, I looked again... and the end of the rainbow seemed to be creeping closer to the right fender of my car... almost touching the hood of my maroon Trail Blazer... onto my windshield... ...? Settling into the leather passenger seat... In which Leslie had been seated for so many thousands of miles of road-trip-- filled with laughter, conversation, and thoughtful silence. Indeed, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is Leslie.And God's promise is that-- after the flood-- His goodness will persevere. His blessings-- my wife, our beautiful little boy, His church which has been instrumental in getting us through the past six days-- will indeed endure. And when the rainbow fades, He will be even stronger in His goodness.It is good to be a vessel of his lovingkindness. Of his peace, patience, and goodness. Of his grace.Please pray for my wife. For comfort in the midst of recoveries and more medical procedures. For the doctors and the true miracles of modern medicine. God's will be done, but I'd like to see my bride grow very, very old before going "home". Pray for TJ. His anxiety (mommy being sick, all the visitors, and an ambulance visit to our house-- all in the last 3 days) is becoming more and more apparent, in his little two-year-old way. And in it all, say a "thank you" to our Father for showing his faithfulness through His body locally-- meals, prayers, help around the house, etc... This is the Gospel worth dying and living for. I look forward to getting back in touch with you soon-- hopefully with good news.In and by his grace,Tyson
[This is part of a letter I sent to an old friend and mentor from back in Indy last night, in answer to the question I've been getting, "How are you doing?". The entries that follow below are copies of the update letters that have been going out, to date-- in case anybody needs "catching up".]---------------Both Leslie and I are rather in awe of this strange sense of peace and intense readiness, which we are both experiencing in the midst of what everyone seems to be deeming a "crisis". Are we scared? Of course! This is cancer, after all. Are we emotional? With every breath which comes out of me, I'm not sure whether I will scream or cry or laugh. But we are confident. For we know that all things work together for good for those who trust the Lord. Does that mean He will spare Leslie's life? Indeed! He already has! And mine as well! But we are confident that He is using us in this for His Glory and His Kingdom. We somehow feel that He has been in many ways preparing us for this very moment for the past several years. And after all those blessings and celebrations and vacations and lazy Sundays (for which and in which we gave Him the praise and glory), in our weakness, He is now made strong.I was driving through the Wisconsin hillside this afternoon to meet with a high-profile corporate customer. The "higher-ups" had basically called us in, so I weighed the situation and found it necessary to be there in person, even in consideration of the situation at home. (Her mother and sister are at our house tonight, so I wouldn't be leaving her alone. I took nearly all of last week off, and I figured this was a good opportunity to start to get "back into the saddle"...) I drove to the meeting through several miles of what was apparently near-tornadic weather-- hail, wind, thunder-- and then... the rainbow. Beautiful bold rainbow, with all colors blazing. I thought of how, as a child, I would color with my red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet crayons-- staying in the lines, of course. But this rainbow, as brilliant as it was, had no division between colors. I couldn't tell where red became orange, became yellow, and so-on-- all the way to violet. Yet there it was-- in its arced entirety-- straddling the road to the big-whig client. I've never seen colors like that-- all draped against a blackened gray sky.I thought of Noah and the ark. God's promise in the rainbow. Could it be? What was He promising here? I thought of Irish folklore and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. As I drove eastward, and as the sun ranged lower in the clearing sky behind me, I saw the end of the southerly end of the rainbow, apparently settling into a recently cut hayfield to my right. I briefly considered pulling over, and drenching my necktie and the rest of me in the hail and rain to see what God would have for me at the end of that rainbow. My "schooling" took over, and I reasoned that no matter how far I would run, I would never reach the end of that rainbow. Refraction. Prism effect. Point of perspective... But before I could do much more reasoning, I looked again... and the end of the rainbow seemed to be creeping closer to the right fender of my car... almost touching the hood of my maroon Trail Blazer... onto my windshield... ...? Settling into the leather passenger seat... In which Leslie had been seated for so many thousands of miles of road-trip-- filled with laughter, conversation, and thoughtful silence. Indeed, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is Leslie.And God's promise is that-- after the flood-- His goodness will persevere. His blessings-- my wife, our beautiful little boy, His church which has been instrumental in getting us through the past six days-- will indeed endure. And when the rainbow fades, He will be even stronger in His goodness.It is good to be a vessel of his lovingkindness. Of his peace, patience, and goodness. Of his grace.Please pray for my wife. For comfort in the midst of recoveries and more medical procedures. For the doctors and the true miracles of modern medicine. God's will be done, but I'd like to see my bride grow very, very old before going "home". Pray for TJ. His anxiety (mommy being sick, all the visitors, and an ambulance visit to our house-- all in the last 3 days) is becoming more and more apparent, in his little two-year-old way. And in it all, say a "thank you" to our Father for showing his faithfulness through His body locally-- meals, prayers, help around the house, etc... This is the Gospel worth dying and living for. I look forward to getting back in touch with you soon-- hopefully with good news.In and by his grace,Tyson
10/16/2007 Better Day
Letter to friends and family- 10/16/07
The good news is that Leslie is feeling MUCH better today. The doctor removed the packing, and her nose is feeling almost as well as it did pre-operation. She's still very tired, because she hasn't slept much due to her sore throat, not being able to breathe, general discomfort etc... (all a result of the packing which is now out... HALLELUJAH) She is conversational and can even pick up and play with TJ now.Now, the bad news. The specialist at Mayo did find cancer in the portion of the tumor that was removed. Preliminarily, they say it is a very treatable kind of cancer, and does not appear to be "invasive", which means it is likely isolated in the tumor-- part of which remains in her sinus just above her left eye. Of course, there needs to be further testing, an MRI, etc... before we really know the full details. But the whole thing is quite scary for us. It's hard for someone to say out loud for the first time, "I have cancer." We're still processing it all, but are trying to stay positive and confident, trusting in our Father for healing and peace.Now, where do we go from here? Really, not much has changed. The surgery they described by which they're planning on removing the remaining tumor is basically the same surgery they described before they knew it was cancerous. On a bright note, the recovery should be much easier than the most recent series of events. The bad news is that it will involve an incision somewhere in her forehead. And perhaps a follow-up series of localized radiation. The biggest difference now is that we'll be working with the doctors and specialists at Loyola in Chicago, rather than the Midwest Ear Nose and Throat Consultants of Naperville (who, by the way, we recommend highly as excellent and compassionate caregivers).Those are the facts as we know them. Ask us how we're doing in a day or two. It's kind of hard to fathom or process right now, to be honest. Thanks for your continued prayer and support.Tyson
The good news is that Leslie is feeling MUCH better today. The doctor removed the packing, and her nose is feeling almost as well as it did pre-operation. She's still very tired, because she hasn't slept much due to her sore throat, not being able to breathe, general discomfort etc... (all a result of the packing which is now out... HALLELUJAH) She is conversational and can even pick up and play with TJ now.Now, the bad news. The specialist at Mayo did find cancer in the portion of the tumor that was removed. Preliminarily, they say it is a very treatable kind of cancer, and does not appear to be "invasive", which means it is likely isolated in the tumor-- part of which remains in her sinus just above her left eye. Of course, there needs to be further testing, an MRI, etc... before we really know the full details. But the whole thing is quite scary for us. It's hard for someone to say out loud for the first time, "I have cancer." We're still processing it all, but are trying to stay positive and confident, trusting in our Father for healing and peace.Now, where do we go from here? Really, not much has changed. The surgery they described by which they're planning on removing the remaining tumor is basically the same surgery they described before they knew it was cancerous. On a bright note, the recovery should be much easier than the most recent series of events. The bad news is that it will involve an incision somewhere in her forehead. And perhaps a follow-up series of localized radiation. The biggest difference now is that we'll be working with the doctors and specialists at Loyola in Chicago, rather than the Midwest Ear Nose and Throat Consultants of Naperville (who, by the way, we recommend highly as excellent and compassionate caregivers).Those are the facts as we know them. Ask us how we're doing in a day or two. It's kind of hard to fathom or process right now, to be honest. Thanks for your continued prayer and support.Tyson
10/12/2007 Adventurous Day
Letter to friends and family- 10/12/07
Hey all-Adventurous day! The rescue squad came to take Leslie to the ER this morning. She was very week, nearly passing out, and vomiting pretty badly. They put some fluids in her and gave her something in her IV for her nausea. The ENT who operated on her was actually in surgery at the hospital today, and came down to see her when he heard we were in the ER. He noticed that one of the nose packs that she has been "wearing" had crept back into her throat a little, which was triggering her gag reflex-- which is apparently what had caused the nausea this morning. He removed half of the packing-- which cause a bit more bleeding-- but once that bleeding subsided, we were sent home.We're at home now, trying to get some food and sugar into her. She is dehydrated, hungry, and very weak and tired. Continue to pray for her, please. Pray for her nerves as well, as this whole thing is much more than what we had expected, and it's hard to keep from growing fearful or worried.As a side note, to make things a little more interesting, I came down with a flu of some type overnight. The doctor assured us that, since she's on her post-op med's, I don't have to worry about giving her anything, and that I can continue to take care of her here. TJ is with Dana (Leslie's sister) and her boys in Wheaton for the evening, and my Mom is driving in from Ohio this evening. So, we're pretty much covered for now. But we certainly are in need of your continued prayers.Thanks, and we'll keep you in the loop!Tyson
Hey all-Adventurous day! The rescue squad came to take Leslie to the ER this morning. She was very week, nearly passing out, and vomiting pretty badly. They put some fluids in her and gave her something in her IV for her nausea. The ENT who operated on her was actually in surgery at the hospital today, and came down to see her when he heard we were in the ER. He noticed that one of the nose packs that she has been "wearing" had crept back into her throat a little, which was triggering her gag reflex-- which is apparently what had caused the nausea this morning. He removed half of the packing-- which cause a bit more bleeding-- but once that bleeding subsided, we were sent home.We're at home now, trying to get some food and sugar into her. She is dehydrated, hungry, and very weak and tired. Continue to pray for her, please. Pray for her nerves as well, as this whole thing is much more than what we had expected, and it's hard to keep from growing fearful or worried.As a side note, to make things a little more interesting, I came down with a flu of some type overnight. The doctor assured us that, since she's on her post-op med's, I don't have to worry about giving her anything, and that I can continue to take care of her here. TJ is with Dana (Leslie's sister) and her boys in Wheaton for the evening, and my Mom is driving in from Ohio this evening. So, we're pretty much covered for now. But we certainly are in need of your continued prayers.Thanks, and we'll keep you in the loop!Tyson
10/10/2007 Family and Friends - Asking for Prayer
Letter to friends and family- 10/10/07
Hey all-I've been wrestling with if/when to send this out, but hey-- if I can't ask brothers and sisters for prayer now, when can I ask?As some of you know, Leslie had what was supposed to be a routine outpatient surgery (not even an incision required) on her sinuses yesterday to remove what was diagnosed as a simple "polyp"-- or basically a weird blood blister in her nose-- which she has been nagged with for about 3-4 months.During surgery, the doctor discovered what he called an "inverted papyloma", or a sort of tumor, behind the original polyp. 90% of the time, this kind of tumor is not cancerous. We will know for sure on Friday or Monday. That being said, she was supposed to have little or no pain or even much discomfort after the surgery, as the doctor had originally planned. However, due to the complications, she lost quite a bit of blood (almost a liter), and now is very tired. Also, she's in quite a bit of pain and discomfort in her throat and head, as the doctor had to "install" quite a bit of packing to get the bleeding to stop. To add insult to injury, we've been told that only 90% of the growth could be removed, and, assuming what remains is not cancerous, the remaining portion will require more involved surgery to be removed-- most likely requiring an incision somewhere in her temple or forehead. This procedure would have to take place in the next 3-4 weeks, since-- though it might not be cancerous now-- this type of thing tends to develop into cancer if not removed. We're home now, and I've got work covered for the remainder of the week, so I'll be here with her and TJ 24/7 through Sunday. But we need your prayer.Pray that Leslie's discomfort will subside, and her body will fully recover from the amount of blood she lost.Pray that the tumor (undergoing testing now) is not cancerous.Pray for the doctors so that, once we determine that it is not cancer, they can go about removing what remains efficiently and as painlessly as possible.Pray for healing. We serve a God who is both Almighty Creator and Loving Father. We're praying that He shows Himself powerful in both roles this week.Some have asked what can be done. As for the rest of this week/ weekend, I'll be home to take care of TJ and do meals and stuff. Depending on how all this goes, we may need some help into next week, as I start getting back into work, etc... In the meantime, we appreciate your prayers.Love you all!Tyson
Hey all-I've been wrestling with if/when to send this out, but hey-- if I can't ask brothers and sisters for prayer now, when can I ask?As some of you know, Leslie had what was supposed to be a routine outpatient surgery (not even an incision required) on her sinuses yesterday to remove what was diagnosed as a simple "polyp"-- or basically a weird blood blister in her nose-- which she has been nagged with for about 3-4 months.During surgery, the doctor discovered what he called an "inverted papyloma", or a sort of tumor, behind the original polyp. 90% of the time, this kind of tumor is not cancerous. We will know for sure on Friday or Monday. That being said, she was supposed to have little or no pain or even much discomfort after the surgery, as the doctor had originally planned. However, due to the complications, she lost quite a bit of blood (almost a liter), and now is very tired. Also, she's in quite a bit of pain and discomfort in her throat and head, as the doctor had to "install" quite a bit of packing to get the bleeding to stop. To add insult to injury, we've been told that only 90% of the growth could be removed, and, assuming what remains is not cancerous, the remaining portion will require more involved surgery to be removed-- most likely requiring an incision somewhere in her temple or forehead. This procedure would have to take place in the next 3-4 weeks, since-- though it might not be cancerous now-- this type of thing tends to develop into cancer if not removed. We're home now, and I've got work covered for the remainder of the week, so I'll be here with her and TJ 24/7 through Sunday. But we need your prayer.Pray that Leslie's discomfort will subside, and her body will fully recover from the amount of blood she lost.Pray that the tumor (undergoing testing now) is not cancerous.Pray for the doctors so that, once we determine that it is not cancer, they can go about removing what remains efficiently and as painlessly as possible.Pray for healing. We serve a God who is both Almighty Creator and Loving Father. We're praying that He shows Himself powerful in both roles this week.Some have asked what can be done. As for the rest of this week/ weekend, I'll be home to take care of TJ and do meals and stuff. Depending on how all this goes, we may need some help into next week, as I start getting back into work, etc... In the meantime, we appreciate your prayers.Love you all!Tyson
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